Do or Do Not

When my two oldest children were small I worked for a school that served mentally disabled children and adults. One day when I was feeling particularly frustrated at some task, I said "I am trying to...." An older member of the staff stopped me right there. He instructed me to "try to pick up the salt shaker on the table." Obediently I reached over and picked up the salt shaker. He took it out of my hand and sat it back on the table. "You picked up the salt shaker. I only asked you the *try* to pick up the salt shaker." I must have looked horribly perplexed, as I reached for the salt shaker a second time. He laughed a bit and said "Either do or do not. There is no try."

I have heard this sentiment a few times since then, and it has always struck a cord with me. How often do we choose to stay in "try" mode and do not commit one way or another. I think this is particularly relevant to our marriages. We need to be completely in our marriage. We can not have one foot in and one foot ready to run. For example, I sometimes hear people say that they are going to work on their marriage for six months, or a year....and then if they still are not happy then they will file for divorce. Another thing I hear is "I'll stay until I finish school" or "I'll stay until all of my kids are in school full time." There should not be an easy out button. Of course there has to be a safety zone for every person. We should never expect someone to stay in a dangerous situation. I am *not* addressing cases of abuse.

For those of us who are working on our marriage, I have found the following things helpful.

1) Be committed for the long run. Problems may not be able to be resolved in six months or a year.

2) Be compassionate, even if you feel you have been disappointed and betrayed.

3) Seek professional help as needed. Our first line of defense was our Bishop. We consulted with his regularly through the first part of our marriage. We also visited a marriage counselor.

4)Forgive and seek forgiveness, even for the little things.

5) Do all you can do to have a happy home.

6) Take care of your own health and encourage your spouse to do the same.

7) Take care of your spiritual health. Read your scriptures, say personal prayers, go to church, visit the temple.

8)Seek a pro-marriage support system. This can be difficult because the people you normally lean on may no longer be a option.

9)Look at your priorities and simplify as needed. It may mean giving up some things for a time.

10)Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Look for new ways to love your spouse.