A tale of two home school days.

Day 1

Last Wednesday I awoke to my two younger boys giggling and laughing in the living room. They were playing some game that only the two of them understood. I couldn't help but smile. They looked so happy. I woke up the girls and got breakfast taken of. Then we settled down to do our home school work. At one point the three older kids were busy working away, and I was able to get dressed for the day. After I sat on the floor and played games with my three year old. The kids would ask me a question from time to time, but didn't need much one on one attention. I cleaned up the kitchen a bit and did some laundry. We were finished up by lunch time. Our afternoon was free to choose some other activity. We read some books and played games. We laughed often. By the time the older kids got home, everyone was ready to start their chores. I started dinner, and it was ready by the time my husband walked in the door a few hours later. I went to bed that night thinking how lucky I am to spend my day with my beautiful children.

Day 2

Friday, I woke up a bit later than usual. I could feel a headache starting. I could also hear that all four of the little ones had beat me out of bed. Even worse, the TV had been turned on. I wandered into the living room and greeted my children. "Good morning! Time to shut the TV off and get to work." Three glazed over faces stared to the TV. I went in to start breakfast. I asked a second time. "Hey can we shut the TV off and get ready for the day?" No answer. I finished breakfast. When I asked a third time, and saw the same glazed over looks, I shut the TV off. "Get ready *NOW*, we are already getting started late! This was followed by 20 minutes of weeping and wiling because M couldn't find her pencil and A couldn't find his book and "Hey Mom, D wet his pants and needs changed." By the time we got everyone settled and working my head was really beginning to throb. All three kids were asking for help at the same time. The three year old was coloring on the wall. The 7 year old didn't want to do his math. I finally started to divide and conquer. I got the 6 year old working on her work. When she finished I started on the 6th grader. She finished. The third grader was still fighting me. I was trying to get his work done, so the 6th grader made lunch. At 2:30 when the big kids got home, I was *STILL* working with the 7 year old. I looked at my 16 year old daughter and said "Finish this with him. I'm done." I walked back to my room and realized that I had not yet dressed, or brushed my hair, or even brushed my teeth. The nagging headache had turned into a raging migraine. I thought I would lay down for just a quick nap, when the phone rang. It was hubby. He was coming home a little early and was starving. "What's for dinner?" Sigh....

Most days fall somewhere between day 1 and day 2. There is a little sadness, a little frustration, a little joy, a little success. Some days I wonder if I am making a huge mistake. Some days I know I am not.

Choices

Two of my dear friends are in the process of divorce. Two dear friends are desperately trying to save their marriage. All four have broken hearts. They are hurting and sad and trying to put the pieces of their lives back together. I have a cute friend who is 10 years younger than I am. Right in the middle of all that we went through she asked me "Why don't you just file for divorce? It is killing me to see you hurting so much!" I told her that divorce is hard and painful. I would still be hurting just as much if I divorced my husband. Yes, healing can be found in divorce. Healing can also be found in working a marriage out. Both require time and forgiveness.

For me, deciding which path to follow took a lot of time, and prayer. It took visiting and counseling with my bishop. In the end, I really wanted to think about where I wanted my life to be in 20 years. I tried to imagine what it would be like, when my daughter got married. What would it be like if Hubby and I were at her reception and married to other people. There would be many events, marriages, baptisms, graduations, mission farewells. Then I thought about who I want to be once my children were grown and gone. When I accomplish something wonderful, that I have worked hard at, who did I want to run home to. Who did I want to share all of my excitement with. When I closed my eyes and thought about it, every time it was my husband I wanted to run to. So I stayed. For a long time my heart hurt. Sometimes it still does. But there have also been mornings snuggling together as we listen to the sounds of our children waking up. There have been water fights and long walks, and giggling at some silly joke. There have been late night talks, and Goodbye kisses. There is an amazing little boy who never would have been here if I had walked away. So many memories and so much happiness has happened.

I told my friend one more thing that day. I told her that I feel like my husband and I are linked. I feel him missing when he walks out the door, and while I do school work and play with my kids or visit with friends, part of me is waiting. Part of me is waiting for my sweetheart to come home. Then I feel complete. It has been six years since that day. My friend has found her sweetheart and has two beautiful daughters. She caught me on facebook one day and said "Now I know. I know what you meant and I have felt it too.

My poor fingers are happier now.

Several months ago my cute friend sent me some home made lotion. It was full of natural ingredients meant to heal. I have been using it sparingly since them. (It was really great on Hubby's wind burned cheeks.) Last night I gave into temptation and rubbed some on my sore fingers. My fingers feel so much better. Still sore if I crush them up against something, but no longer the constant stinging, throbbing pain from last night. Oh....and Hubby loved dinner, so I guess that it was worth it. Now to figure out dinner for tonight.

Ok, I give up.

Yesterday I was feeling quite proud of myself. I have reclaimed some of the responsibilities that had been delegated to other member of the family while I was sick. This means mostly, I am back on kitchen duty, both cooking and cleaning. My kitchen was all scrubbed and clean. My family has been complimenting every meal. I guess I got too comfortable with my success or something.

Today I planned to make Swedish meatballs for dinner. Earlier today I made the bread crumbs. I sat them on the counter to make the meatballs. I came back a bit later only to find that my children had eaten my bread crumbs. Of course I had used the last of our bread to make them. My 16 year old daughter offered to make some bread, but them got upset with me when I made a suggestion on how to form the loaves.

To top off the nightmare that dinner turned into, I tried to move the boiling water and spilled it all over my left hand. From my knuckles down to the tips of my fingers looks like it has a bad sunburn. Just red, no blisters, but it hurts!!! And my kitchen is a mess and I need to go wash dishes, and I am very aware this is a run-on sentence, but I fill whiny and sad. At least most of the kids loved dinner. Hubby is still at work. I hope he likes dinner. If not, I really might cry.

Shopping Day

Grocery shopping for a family of eight is quite an interesting experience. It starts generally with one BIG shopping trip, in which I spend most of the monthly grocery budget in one day. I reserve only enough money to replenish a few perishables that are not able to keep the whole month long. This means that many times our food budget is exhausted well before the end of the month. We still have plenty of food, but our options are set. Most of our fruits and vegetables come from weekly purchases from a food co-op called Bountiful Baskets. That makes things kind of tricky, since I can't exactly commit to a menu for the whole month, since I don't know what will be coming in each basket. I do try to rough out a few idea based on what we generally eat. I also try to plan for the needs of our family that month. For example, during baseball season, I know I need most of our meals to be portable.

When I am feeling good, and have the energy, I try to clean out the fridge and the pantry before we go shopping. I used to be better at this. I need to get back to it. Also, I said *we.* Almost all of our shopping trips include myself and my husband. Often our oldest daughter comes along as well. I don't coupon. Ugh! Just the thought gives me a huge headache. Also, I find that many times coupons are for things I just don't ever use. I do compare prices in ads for things like meat. Mostly I buy things in bulk. Oh and I shop for things like toilet paper and cleaning supplies in a different shopping trip as they come out of a different part of our budget. I know, weird, but it helps me keep things straight.

Every time I go shopping for the month it takes about 3 hours. When we get home, we still have to portion out all of the meat into meals, chop and portion out any fresh vegetables we bought and everything else away. I have a love and hate relationship with shopping day. I love seeing all of that beautiful food in the fridge and cupboards. I hate the process of doing it all. It makes me tired.

The Secret

I actually started a blog quite some time ago. It was in the middle of the first "issue" and the second. My heart had just started to heal...a little. Then when the second issue started, I just could not bare to keep writing it. I closed it up and made it private. When I started this blog, I hid it on my dashboard. I've peaked at it, but those few posts make my heart hurt so much that I can't even bare to read them in their entirety and the pain is simply too raw to share.

Short of loosing on of my children or my husband to death, my biggest fear is a backslide, of waking up one day and finding myself back in the same situation, drowning in grief and pain. We have put up safeguards. We are much more aware of potential issues and have tried to protect ourselves and our marriage from the many pitfalls that can befall us. But still, it is there, like a painful little pebble in my shoe. If I let it, it would drive me crazy and consume my world. Instead, I pray for my marriage. I work at my marriage. I hope that I am doing it all right, or at least as right as I can do it, and hope it is enough.

Peace

Our Christmas break ended up being quite lovely. The stomach bug made its visit short and sweet and myself and two of my daughters were spared completely. I know it may seem odd to some, I totally love having my family at home. Hubby gets more paid days off during the holidays than any other time of year. The big kids were home for almost 2 weeks. We didn't have any big plans. Mostly we just stayed at home, baked, played games and watched movies. I love those days. There is such a sense of peace when my whole family is at home. It isn't perfect. My kids still fight with each other every once in a while. Hubby and I still get in disagreements. But it feels so much nicer, more complete, when everyone is home. Now hubby and the big kids are gone all day and I miss them.