Mom and Dad

This is my mom and dad. Of course getting a picture of my dad when he isn't in the process of sticking his tongue out at me is near impossible. Really! The only pictures I have of him that are not of him making a silly face are of the back of his head. I LOVE MY DAD! Mom too! They have been married for 37 years. They have 5 kids and 11 grandchildren (and one on the way.) They taught me that love is forever. They taught me that marriage is worth working on for a life time. They taught me that even when you are so mad at someone you think you might smack them upside the head, the you stop loving them. I am so thankful for my awesome parents. I am thankful for their great example to me.

"Men are that they might have joy"

2 Nephi 2:25 "Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy."

Most everyone who takes LDS seminary recognizes this as a mastery scripture. Despite this scripture being on of the shortest that I memorized in Seminary, it is the scripture that I have spent the most time pondering. I believe that the words we read in the scriptures were not chosen lightly, just as the parables state something with simplicity, that has a much greater meaning. Would we feel any different if the scripture read "....men are that they might be happy"?

For me there is a distinct difference between "happy" and "Joy." While I truly believe that our Father in Heaven desires happiness for us, it was "Joy" that is the reason why we are here. Joy brings on a deeper meaning, more robust and rich than simply being happy. I think joy can grow and thrive even surrounded by sorrow. My first taste of joy and sorrow was thirteen years ago when my son Nathaniel was stillborn. I was young (23) and had experienced very little loss at that point of my life. Now my heart was broken and my world was turned upside down. Sorrow permeated ever part of my body. Though pain swirled around me, a stronger thread held fast. I felt joy and peace in my knowledge of the gospel. I knew my family had been sealed for all time and eternity in the temple. I knew of the plan of salvation and the atonement. I knew that my Father in Heaven was a kind and loving Father who loved me. I knew that His house was a house of order, and that there was a reason, even unknown unto me, that my son was still born.

So I wonder if at times we choose to search for happiness which can be fleeting and volatile instead of waiting and working for joy. Do we look for others, our husbands, wives, children, friends, to bring us happiness? Or do we serve those we love, which brings us joy? Joy I think often walks hand in hand with sacrifice. If we are unable or unwilling to sacrifice, joy is much harder to obtain. So many marriages I think get in trouble when one or both people are expecting the other to "make them happy." We get caught up in what they can't offer us. How often do we hear the complaint that men leave their socks on the floor? Seriously, this is a major source of contention for so many couples. A power struggle. But really, it takes 10 seconds for us to pick up those socks and toss them in a hamper ourselves. The result is amazing! First we are no longer annoyed by the socks on the floor. Second, we have served someone that we love. Of course it only works if we do so with a joyful heart and not a resentful angry heart. Serving my husband and my children brings me joy. Forgiving and not taking offence brings me joy. Loving these beautiful people I have been blessed to have as my family brings me joy. There are times when it is painful and my heart hurts, but I would never give up the joy I feel in exchange for a pain free, happy life.

Change of Plans and Charity

The surgery that I was expecting to have on Thursday was canceled Wednesday afternoon and rescheduled two weeks later. I was so sad, and frustrated. I cried. However looking back, maybe there were some good things that came out of it. I have continued to recover from the nasty cold and I am not coughing nearly as much now. Maybe two weeks from now the cough will be completely gone and it will make recovery easier for me. Also, Saturday night was the Relief Society Broadcast. I hadn't planned on going because I was supposed to have surgery just a few days before. My cute friend called me as it was starting and asked if I would be willing to go with her. I hurried and got dressed and we were only about 15 minutes late. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to last but really wanted to stick it out for my friend's benefit. I'm glad I did.

It seems like President Uchtdorf's talk touched every woman who watched it and I was no exception. However, I want to talk about another talk that was given that night. It was by Sister Silvia H. Allred. Both Talks can be found here http://http://lds.org/pages/general-rs-meeting-2011?lang=eng Sister Allred spoke of charity and how it is not a single action but a state of being. During her closing remarks she talked about how we should seek to have charity for all, *even our family.* We teach that "Charity is the pure love of Christ" and that "Charity never faileth" but I wonder how often we forget to have charity for those we are closest to, to our children and even or maybe especially toward our spouse.

After Hubby and I had decided to stay together, life changed quickly for us. I had a baby (our sixth) and Hubby lost his job. He found a new job but it was an hour and a half away and meant a move for our little family. I had a hard time adjusting to the move, moving from a small town and community that I had always lived in to a big city (to me- if you knew how "big" it is in comparison to other "cities" you would laugh and laugh at me). Not to mention that I was still carrying around some pretty wounded feelings. I was hurt and resentful and not horribly sure if I wanted to stick it out. Everyday I thought about packing up my children and going "home."

I finally got down on my knees, and with all of the bitterness and pain of the past three years bubbling to the surface, I begged my Father In Heaven to please, please give me confirmation that I had done enough, that I could leave and flee back to what I knew. At some point, I dried my tears and left to collect my chilren from school. We had not yet found a home of our own and were staying at the time with Hubby's aunt. As I walked into her living room, I saw a picture of the Savior. I heard the words "Remember, He is my child too. I love him." It was all I could do to stay composed and not allow tears to stream down my face. (I didn't want to frighten my children.)

That night I told Hubby that I needed to talk to him and asked if we could go for a walk once our children were asleep. I think for one horrible long moment Hubby thought that it really was the end, and I was leaving. That night as we walked I apologized to my husband, for harboring so much resentment, and anger. I apologized for not letting go and forgiving him and for not moving on. I told him I loved him and that I knew the Savior loved him. I promised to try to do better and to be less judgemental.

Something suprising happened. Hubby waited until I was finished. Then he started talking about the choices he had made that got us to that point. A lot of it I already knew. Some of it, I didn't. Some I had known about be had never seen from his perspective. Some was incredibly painful to hear, but at the same time was cleansing. I felt like for the first time in a very long time Hubby was completely honest with me and with himself. Even more amazing, I was able to see my hubby as a Child of God and not just as someone who had hurt me. I saw his incredible potential and spirit. Once I was able to see that, I was able to remember why I had fallen in love with him and what I had grown to love about him. I remember thinking that I just wanted to hold that feeling forever and ever.

Of course its hard to sustain those feelings when life is going on around you. Work and kids and bills and life all get in the way. More than once I have yearned for that incredible night and the peace I felt. Which brings me back to Sister Allred's talk about making charity a state of being, a constant life style of serving one another. I think if we could do that daily, we wouldn't need these huge expiriences to smack us over the head and remind us not only of who we are, but who the people around us are as well. It is certainly something I want to re-focas on.

Sick

I have had a nasty grouchy cold and a cough. Then last night a mosquito bit me on the eye lid and my eye swelled. I was feeling about as miserable as I ever want to be when Hubby and I started to get ready for bed. It was then that Hubby noticed that our (one) set of car keys was missing. So at 11 PM we started to search. At midnight we woke up the big kids to help. My dumb eye was nearly swollen shut and Hubby was UPSET! Of course he is also the one to depend on the (one) set of keys to our (one) van to get him to work. Finally around 1 AM I sent him to bed. The two oldest and I said a quick prayer and crawled into bed ourselves. We set the alarm for 5 AM to start looking again. I tossed and turned and dreamed of those dumb keys all night. When the alarm went off I crawled out of bed,looking like some horrible mutant to search for the keys again. We searched for another hour when I suggested to DH that he call a co-worker to see if he could get a ride to work. I walked back to my bedroom, opened the jewelry box and there were the keys. YAY! Hubby got to work on time. Now I am sitting here looking like a mutant zombie waiting for Hubby to come home from his second job so that we can finally get some sleep. I am sure Hubby is more miserable than I am. Poor guy. The post I was working on pre-cold is still in draft form. Hopefully I finish it before the surgery on Thursday.

Found

Over the weekend we did a major cleaning of bedrooms. In the process of mucking out rooms, I uncovered my mp3 player that has been missing for at least a year. I have spent some time today listening to the songs I had uploaded a few years ago. My music choices very much reflected how I was feeling at the time. It was a bit of a dark time for me. Hubby and I had decided to stay together, but I was still working through some painful feelings and trying to forgive. Interspersed with songs of broken heart were songs of hope and determination. I was good for me to hear those songs and remember how very far we have come. This song have me a lot of hope at a very painful time. It was how I viewed Hubby, someone on the verge of something incredible. I just needed to hold on long enough....

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One of the Greats.

I love hearing about wonderful stories of love, especially when they come from my own family. This is one of my favorite stories. It is about Marie. Marie was my great grandmother. She grew up in France. She was in love with her childhood sweetheart. They were engaged to be married. Marie's sister wasn't quite so happy. She decided to become a mail order bride and come to the United States. Unfortunately, something happened. Just days before my grandmother was to marry her sweetheart, her sweetheart and her sister ran away and eloped. That must have been so devastating. She had been betrayed by the man she loved and by the sister she loved. Not to mention that her father was distraught. Her sister had a contract! She was supposed to marry an American man. He was devastated that his daughter had chosen to disregard the commitment she had made. My Grandma did the only thing she could do. She packed her bags, and took her sister's place on the boat to America. She was on her way to marry a man who she had never seen, never spoken to and never even exchanged a letter with. She would be alone, without a single relative or friend. It must have taken a great deal of bravery to set out on such a journey, knowing that she would most likely never see her family in this life again.

My poor great grandfather must have been so surprised! He had exchanged letters over the months with one woman, only to have her sister arrive instead. He must have taken the whole thing in stride. They were married just days after her arrival. At the turn of the century much of the United states was becoming industrialized, but Marie arrived to a land that was rugged at best. She and my grandfather settled down on his little farm. They grew sugar beets. Over the years my grandparents fell in love little by little. They worked beside each other, for each other. When they needed someone, they leaned on each other. They had 5 children, and buried two of them. My grandfather was their only son. My grandfather died years before I was born, when my dad was a young boy.

I remember visiting my grandma. She was beautiful with her silvery hair, and dainty little hands. We would sit on the floor in front of my mom and listen to her tell stories. She always served us cream sodas in tiny glasses. There were three of us and she split one can of soda between us. She also served us yummy butter cookies on a fancy china plate. She would talk about how much she loved her husband, looking over at their wedding photo on the wall with such tenderness.

Now she is gone, and all I have left of her is my memories and the incredible legacy of love she and my grandfather left. My grandma could have been bitter about what happened to her. It wasn't fair. She could have wrapped a cloak of anger around herself and shut out the world. Instead she opened heart up to the idea that love can grow out of even the most painful of experiences. She embraced it. She left all of the hurt and anger behind in France. What she didn't leave behind was her love for her family. I remember that at times while we were visiting, the phone would ring. Her face would light up and she would say "It's my family!" Sometimes it was her father, or mother, or even her sister. We would hear the beautiful sound of Grandma, conversing in french to the family she loved.




I

Keep going?

Over the course of the last few weeks, I have found a few blogs that basically have the same idea as I had for this blog. I have been wondering if I should even keep this blog. Obviously, the idea is not as unique as I had previously thought. These other blogs were better organized and well written. I wonder if there is really a need for this blog. I started to write it, after a conversation with a group of friends. One friend expressed frustration with an issue with her marriage. Its is a long term problem, and I don't really see resolution in the near future. However, I was surprised and very disturbed about the turn that the conversation took. Right away nearly every woman was suggesting divorce. "He doesn't deserve you!" "He has no right to treat you like that! When are you going to leave him?" "You would be better off without him. Come and stay with me!" Not one single time was there a comment encouraging her to stay in her marriage. When I tried to comment, I was immediately shut down. So then I read the blogs of people who, it seems, have perfect wonderful marriages. I started to wonder if anyone out there felt/feels like I did/do. I wonder if there is a woman out there who loves her husband very much, but the rug has just been pulled out from under her and everything that she thought she knew seems to be gone. Maybe all of her friends and family are jumping on the divorce band wagon, but as much as she hurts, as much as her heart is broken, she very much wants to save her marriage. Maybe there is a woman out there reading all of the "I'm happy, my marriage is perfect" blogs and posts on face book and is feeling sad and discouraged and thinking "My marriage stinks!" And it does. I want so badly for those women to know that even if their marriage stinks today, maybe with a little (or A LOT) of time and attention and work, things can get better. It's not as easy as just doing X, Y, Z and suddenly the love of your life is going to fall into line and you live happily ever after. It took me five months of holding on, crying myself to sleep every night, just to get a glimmer of hope that my marriage could survive. It took us another 2 and a half years to get to a place where I was fairly certain I would be married at the end of the year. There are still days when I wonder how we are ever going to make it work out. There are still nights when I cry myself to sleep.

BUT if there is someone out there, I want to help them. I want to be a soft place to land for them. I also want to know that I did more to support marriage-my own marriage and others- then I ever did to tear a family apart. I would not want to face my Father in Heaven at the end of my life and not be able to say I did all I could to keep my family together. I certainly would not want to have to admit that I was an instrument in tearing another family apart. So I guess for now I will keep trying....

Transfused (Part 3)

Hubby had to be to work at his second job and I had to figure out how to get myself to the hospital in the next town. I called several people before I was able to get in contact with a member of my ward. I got there 15 minutes before closing and was able to get my blood drawn. The doctor had called and left a message on the answering machine before I could even get home. I needed a transfusion the next morning. I was supposed to call for further instruction the next day, only it was almost 10 AM before I was alert enough to make the phone call. Hubby had decided to take half a day off work in order to help me out. I was hoping to push the transfusion back until he could get home. The nurse called back and said that wasn't a problem but I needed to get to the hospital right away to have my blood drawn so it could be typed and matched. I hurried and dressed and Hubby's aunt drove me to the hospital for my blood test. The blood test went quickly, but when I stood up it felt like the whole world tipped on its access. The phlebotomist quickly grabbed a wheelchair and insisted that I stay in it until I got to the car.

I had to come back to the hospital at 2:30 for the transfusion. All of the running around was getting to me, and I was feeling pretty sick. When I got there, there office was empty. After waiting several minutes for someone to come, I wandered down the haul to where the nurses desk was. The nurse asked me what I was looking for and I explained that I was there for a transfusion. She looked horrified that I was walking around. She made me set down, and went looking for the office person. The office person was rude, bored, annoying and annoyed. She was minimally helpful but thankfully my exposure to her was pretty short. The sweet helpful nurse was back and took me to my room. I was incredibly thankful to have some where to lay down. Hubby was happy as a clam to get settled with the laptop and I went to sleep. Sometime later a nurse came in to get things started. They were super careful checking information, double checking and finally having me check. When the nurse looked at my chart and saw my numbers he said "wow, you don't have enough in you to sustain life. How are you walking around?" I kept thinking..."I'm a mom. What else was I supposed do?"

The IV itself wasn't bad. The blood was cold, and so was I. I wrapped up in a blanket. The IV site burned a little as the blood went in. Each unit of blood took two hours and I was receiving 2 units, so I was going to be there for 4 hours. The TV was on the hospitals preset, playing soft music and showing pictures of nature. I flipped through all of the channels but the noise was annoying, so I put it back on the preset. I was tired and drifted in and out of sleep. The blood pressure cuff hurt when it went off. It went off every 15 minutes and made my arm hurt, which woke me up. I kept trying to push it further down my arm but it didn't work. Around 4:30 they brought Hubby and I some dinner. I actually like most Hospital food and this was no exception. I think I ate more of it than my hubby. It made me feel a bit better. It was right after dinner that I discovered that I had bled all over myself, my pants and the sheet....and I got to tell my male nurse about it. Oh yippy skippy! There was nothing I could do about my pants other than pull my t-shirt down over my butt. The nurse gave me a new pad to use. I was not surprised to find my blood pressure climbed up to an eye raising level. As far as the actual transfusion went, everything went well. I was finally able to leave just before 8 PM.

I feel ok. Not great. I had hoped for great, but I feel better. The headache is mostly gone. I don't feel like my head is going to fall off every time I stand up. I am still super tired, and I get dizzy as soon as I walk too far. The feeling of nausea has been hanging around. I have a hive on my cheek and I am wondering I should call the doctor. I am thankful for feeling a bit better. I hope that my iron levels are still good in three weeks for the surgery. I just want to feel better and be the wife and mommy I should be.

Transfused (Part 2)

With the embolization scheduled I was pretty happy to wait out my symptoms for a while. Of course I am a wee bit scared about it and I know that there are risks for every procedure, but overall I feel good about it. Of course, it can't ever be that easy, right? Last week I started feeling pretty cruddy. I recognized the symptoms from before. I did NOT want to get stuck back in bed. School is starting and my little kids need me. My house is quickly falling to pieces. By Sunday I was pretty sick. My head was throbbing, my heart pounding. On Monday morning my three year old came in an needed something....only I could not wake up enough to help him. When I finally could pull myself out of bed, I called the doctor. The nurse told me I could come in at any point to have my iron levels checked. I sent a quick text to hubby and asked him to see if he could come home early. Of course.....he worked late! He hurried home and took me up to the doctors. They used a finger prick test to test my hemoglobin. My great luck for the day held out and the first test didn't work. She repeated the test. This one was low. Very low. A second nurse looked at the result and said "re-test it! If she is really that low we need to send her right to the hospital for a transfusion." The third test was even lower. The nurse went to talk to the doctor, who desided that I needed a blood test to ensure accurate results. The cute nurse was so nice, but every time they poked me nothin was coming out! They sent me to the hospital with a huge glass of water. Hubby needed to get to work at his second job, so I needed to find a ride to the hospital.

So I had the whole long [post typed out and when I went to publish....this was all that was left. So I guess we get a part three.

Transfused.

This post has relatively nothing to do with marriage other than this has been the all consuming topic in our lives the last several days, weeks, months.

About a year ago I started having issues with my period. My period was lasting 3-5 weeks long. I will spare you all of the other details of what was happening. Lets just say that it was a big deal. I was seriously annoyed. A few months later, I started feeling very tired. I could have taken a 3-4 hour nap every day. My arms and legs constantly felt sore, like I had just completed a marathon. I was feeling pretty bad about myself. It was the middle of the winter. I wasn't exercising. Of course, it was Christmas time and junk food was everywhere. I felt horrible about myself. I blamed myself for how I was feeling. I never equated it with the fact that I was bleeding more often than not.

In February we were planning a trip to Disney Land with our six kids. We had never taken a vacation before, and our kids were thrilled. I made our reservations at a hotel about a half mile away from Disney Land. I figured we could walk there and opted not to get the shuttle pass. I mean....Anyone can walk a 1/2 mile, right? Of course the first morning at Disney Land everyone was full of energy and eager to get there. Hubby kept telling me to hurry. I thought I was. But I looked around and everyone and I do mean EVERYONE was passing me. I was in tears by the time we got to the front gates of Disney Land. I told myself how horrible I was for being so out of shape, that I had a hard time making a short walk to Disney Land. I'm not quite sure how I made it through Disneyland other than sheer will and the opportunity to stand (sit) in a lot of lines. The last day there Hubby wanted to ride on ride with me. We got a switch pass and arranged for our Older kids to take all but our baby on the ride and then they would stay with the little kids while we went on the ride. The ride was Space Mountain. It was fun to spend a little alone time with Hubby. As I got off the ride my head was spinning. I was so dizzy and sick to my stomach. The feeling didn't go away. I remember laying in bed that night and thinking "I still feel like I am on that ride." The next day we were heading home. Of course, we also discovered that we had lost our car keys at some point. Hubby and our oldest son headed back to Disney Land to look for the keys, while I started packing up with the rest of the kids. I was still feeling awful. I was dizzy, sick to my stomach, my head was pounding and so was my heart. I felt so weak that I could not lift more than our simple over night bag. Thankfully Hubby and son were able to quickly find our key and get back. Once we were on the road I told Hubby I needed some sleep. I slept all that day and most of the next. I just couldn't wake up very long or stay awake once I did wake up. The following night Hubby took me to the ER because I was sure I was having a stroke. They checked my blood pressure and it was elevated but not dangerous and I let them triage me out.

Two days later I had an appointment with an OB/GYN to deal with the issues I had been having with my period. The doctor walked in and told me that he knew what the problem was. He said "Your lips are the same color as your skin. You are horribly anemic. A quick blood test confirmed that he was right. My hematocrit was 16 and my hemoglobin was 6. I dont know what "normal" is but eventually this was extremely low. Did I mention that this wasn't a particularly great doctor? He sent me home with an Rx for iron. I spent the next 2 months in bed, trying to build my iron levels to a functional level. Oh...he did give me an Rx for a hormone that was supposed to regulate my hormones as well.

I did start feeling better in May, but I never felt 100% or even 80%. In July I could feel my stamina fading again. My period lasted 5 weeks. My best friend was so concerned she researched doctors in this area, and called and made an appointment for me with the best one she could find. My appointment was for the first of part of August. Best friend did her job well. This doctor was much more proactive. She ordered an Ultrasound and some blood test. The blood test revealed that I was in fact anemic again, but no so anemic that it was an emergency. (Evidently my first numbers at the other doctors office should have been treated as an emergency!) But the ultrasound revealed numerous fibroids, a super thick uterine lining, and oddly a huge cyst on on of my ovaries. I told her I wanted to keep my uterus if possible. (which is a whole different post.)

I was referred to a radiologist for a procedure called a Uterine Fibroid Embolization. We scheduled surgery. Its set for Sept 22. (and I think I will continue the story in a new post.)