The surgery that I was expecting to have on Thursday was canceled Wednesday afternoon and rescheduled two weeks later. I was so sad, and frustrated. I cried. However looking back, maybe there were some good things that came out of it. I have continued to recover from the nasty cold and I am not coughing nearly as much now. Maybe two weeks from now the cough will be completely gone and it will make recovery easier for me. Also, Saturday night was the Relief Society Broadcast. I hadn't planned on going because I was supposed to have surgery just a few days before. My cute friend called me as it was starting and asked if I would be willing to go with her. I hurried and got dressed and we were only about 15 minutes late. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to last but really wanted to stick it out for my friend's benefit. I'm glad I did.
It seems like President Uchtdorf's talk touched every woman who watched it and I was no exception. However, I want to talk about another talk that was given that night. It was by Sister Silvia H. Allred. Both Talks can be found here http://http://lds.org/pages/general-rs-meeting-2011?lang=eng Sister Allred spoke of charity and how it is not a single action but a state of being. During her closing remarks she talked about how we should seek to have charity for all, *even our family.* We teach that "Charity is the pure love of Christ" and that "Charity never faileth" but I wonder how often we forget to have charity for those we are closest to, to our children and even or maybe especially toward our spouse.
After Hubby and I had decided to stay together, life changed quickly for us. I had a baby (our sixth) and Hubby lost his job. He found a new job but it was an hour and a half away and meant a move for our little family. I had a hard time adjusting to the move, moving from a small town and community that I had always lived in to a big city (to me- if you knew how "big" it is in comparison to other "cities" you would laugh and laugh at me). Not to mention that I was still carrying around some pretty wounded feelings. I was hurt and resentful and not horribly sure if I wanted to stick it out. Everyday I thought about packing up my children and going "home."
I finally got down on my knees, and with all of the bitterness and pain of the past three years bubbling to the surface, I begged my Father In Heaven to please, please give me confirmation that I had done enough, that I could leave and flee back to what I knew. At some point, I dried my tears and left to collect my chilren from school. We had not yet found a home of our own and were staying at the time with Hubby's aunt. As I walked into her living room, I saw a picture of the Savior. I heard the words "Remember, He is my child too. I love him." It was all I could do to stay composed and not allow tears to stream down my face. (I didn't want to frighten my children.)
That night I told Hubby that I needed to talk to him and asked if we could go for a walk once our children were asleep. I think for one horrible long moment Hubby thought that it really was the end, and I was leaving. That night as we walked I apologized to my husband, for harboring so much resentment, and anger. I apologized for not letting go and forgiving him and for not moving on. I told him I loved him and that I knew the Savior loved him. I promised to try to do better and to be less judgemental.
Something suprising happened. Hubby waited until I was finished. Then he started talking about the choices he had made that got us to that point. A lot of it I already knew. Some of it, I didn't. Some I had known about be had never seen from his perspective. Some was incredibly painful to hear, but at the same time was cleansing. I felt like for the first time in a very long time Hubby was completely honest with me and with himself. Even more amazing, I was able to see my hubby as a Child of God and not just as someone who had hurt me. I saw his incredible potential and spirit. Once I was able to see that, I was able to remember why I had fallen in love with him and what I had grown to love about him. I remember thinking that I just wanted to hold that feeling forever and ever.
Of course its hard to sustain those feelings when life is going on around you. Work and kids and bills and life all get in the way. More than once I have yearned for that incredible night and the peace I felt. Which brings me back to Sister Allred's talk about making charity a state of being, a constant life style of serving one another. I think if we could do that daily, we wouldn't need these huge expiriences to smack us over the head and remind us not only of who we are, but who the people around us are as well. It is certainly something I want to re-focas on.
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