During a Sunday school class several years, a story was told about a man who brought red roses to his wife every week. He knew she loved them and they always made her smile. The moral of this story wasn't that men should bring their wives red roses every week. It was that we should do the little and big things we can to bring happiness and joy to those we love. Equally important is recognizing those sweet little gifts of love in whatever form they take.
For whatever reason my house has been overrun with mosquitoes this year. (It may have something to do with the 6 children who constantly run in and out of the house every minute of the day) They leave Hubby completely alone and bite *me*! Not only do they bite me but the leave huge angry red welts all over. Last night my cute man stayed up until midnight swatting every mosquito he could find, even though he had to be at work at 6 AM. That is a red rose gift he gave to me.
I have to take iron for anemia. I never remember to take it. Every night my sweet husband brings me a glass of water, my vitamins, and the oh-so-nasty iron pill. That is another red rose gift he gives me.
Over the course of the last 17 years, and six children, I never changed a diaper in the middle of the night. Hubby always got up, changed the baby and brought them to me to nurse. I think that one is worth a few red roses.
Hubby calls me every day on his way to work. (He puts the phone on speaker) He calls me again at lunch and on his way home. There is another red rose.
Hubby loves my hair long. I prefer it to be around shoulder length, but Hubby like it long. It is currently just above my waist. It is my red rose gift to him.
Because my guy loves his sports, I now know baseball, basketball, and football. These are my red roses to him.
What red roses do you and your sweetheart give to each other?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Spats, tiffs, arguments....
We all have them. OK, I have one cousin who claims that he and his wife have never ever had an argument. I personally think everyone does. They just don't always look the same. For example, my mom tends to be LOUD when she is angry. My dad is stone cold silent. He has a certain look that everyone just knows that Dad has reached his limit. Either way my parents got over things very quickly. I think I inherited that from them. "I'm mad now, but give me 15 minutes and we'll be good again. " Even when we had serious issues, I didn't stay mad for long. I was just incredibly sad. So when a friend recently said that she and her hubby had been fighting for days I was really surprised. Arguing takes energy and at this point of my life I am very careful where I expend energy. Another dear friend always says "Is this the hill your marriage is going to die on?" meaning "Is this so vitally important that you are willing to let your marriage end?" If not, what do you hope to achieve? So here are a few things that have worked for me and my hubby.
1) Taking a moment to figure out why I am feeling argumentative. Am I tired, hungry, stressed or is this really a vital issue. On the other side, if it is Hubby feeling argumentative, what might be the causes for him.
2) Asking myself what I hope to accomplish. Am I looking for something to change or (honestly) just choosing to lash out.
3) Choosing to control my own actions, and reactions. Several years ago Hubby and I came home from a weekend conference. He was telling me how much he enjoyed the weekend. He said "We didn't argue at all." I looked at him and thought of all of the times I had bit my tongue and said "I chose not to." He kind of laughed and said "Me too!
4) Choosing the right time and the right place and the right people. An awesome piece of advice from my mom came the day of our wedding. She said "If you are ever in a dangerous situation,
Call me. I'll be there in two minutes. Otherwise, keep your arguments between you, your husband and the Lord. I always want to think you married Prince Charming."
5) Say what you mean and mean what you say. Throwing insults and threats at each other accomplish nothing. Saying "I hate you" or "I want a divorce" hurt long after the argument is over. Hubby and I have decided to simply take the "D" word out of all discussions. We know we want to make our marriage work. We need to be committed to that, even when we are angry.
6) Always say "I love you!" You always hear "Never go to bed angry" but some things simply can not be resolved in a day. Fatigue is not your friend! Call for a cease fire. Tell each other you love each other, say your prayers, and get the rest you need. Morning can often bring a fresh outlook, and a greater desire for peace.
1) Taking a moment to figure out why I am feeling argumentative. Am I tired, hungry, stressed or is this really a vital issue. On the other side, if it is Hubby feeling argumentative, what might be the causes for him.
2) Asking myself what I hope to accomplish. Am I looking for something to change or (honestly) just choosing to lash out.
3) Choosing to control my own actions, and reactions. Several years ago Hubby and I came home from a weekend conference. He was telling me how much he enjoyed the weekend. He said "We didn't argue at all." I looked at him and thought of all of the times I had bit my tongue and said "I chose not to." He kind of laughed and said "Me too!
4) Choosing the right time and the right place and the right people. An awesome piece of advice from my mom came the day of our wedding. She said "If you are ever in a dangerous situation,
Call me. I'll be there in two minutes. Otherwise, keep your arguments between you, your husband and the Lord. I always want to think you married Prince Charming."
5) Say what you mean and mean what you say. Throwing insults and threats at each other accomplish nothing. Saying "I hate you" or "I want a divorce" hurt long after the argument is over. Hubby and I have decided to simply take the "D" word out of all discussions. We know we want to make our marriage work. We need to be committed to that, even when we are angry.
6) Always say "I love you!" You always hear "Never go to bed angry" but some things simply can not be resolved in a day. Fatigue is not your friend! Call for a cease fire. Tell each other you love each other, say your prayers, and get the rest you need. Morning can often bring a fresh outlook, and a greater desire for peace.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
When Hubby and I first started having problems, we sought the counsel of our bishop, our religious leader. I must admit that the first advice surprised me. "Pray together, read the scriptures and go on a weekly date." The advice seemed so simple-too simple. I wondered if the bishop truly understood the level of distress our marriage was in. After a while I decided that if I wasn't even willing to do the easy things, how could I ever attempt the harder things. I am still surprised at how much difference this advice has made in our relationship.
While I prayed often and sincerely, one thing that was not happening was praying as a couple. This turned out to be a little (a lot) more difficult than I expected. How can you pray together, if you are barely speaking to each other? For us it was an amazing process. You just can not maintain the same level of anger and animosity for each other when you kneel down together. At first our prayers were pretty short and to the point. We just wanted to get it over with. That way we could tell the bishop that we had done what he had asked. Then we moved to asking for peace in our home and comfort for our children. We asked for guidance to do the right thing for our family. Then we prayed for each other. I think it is impossible to sincerely kneel down and pray for someone and still feel angry towards them. With the anger stripped away, the real issues can come to the surface. At least they can be identified.
I truly feel that this was a turning point for us. It did not make our marriage perfect. It didn't fix problems over night. I think what It did do was give us a chance. It helped us make a move toward love and resolution instead of anger and hate. This is not a simple fix. It is just one of the many steps a couple can take. We are still working on our marriage. We still have times when we fight and argue. When I notice that things have not been going horribly well in our relationship, I almost always see that we have not been doing this very simple task as well as we should be. And when we are praying together regularly as a couple, things seem to go much more smoothly . We have more peace in our relationship.
While I prayed often and sincerely, one thing that was not happening was praying as a couple. This turned out to be a little (a lot) more difficult than I expected. How can you pray together, if you are barely speaking to each other? For us it was an amazing process. You just can not maintain the same level of anger and animosity for each other when you kneel down together. At first our prayers were pretty short and to the point. We just wanted to get it over with. That way we could tell the bishop that we had done what he had asked. Then we moved to asking for peace in our home and comfort for our children. We asked for guidance to do the right thing for our family. Then we prayed for each other. I think it is impossible to sincerely kneel down and pray for someone and still feel angry towards them. With the anger stripped away, the real issues can come to the surface. At least they can be identified.
I truly feel that this was a turning point for us. It did not make our marriage perfect. It didn't fix problems over night. I think what It did do was give us a chance. It helped us make a move toward love and resolution instead of anger and hate. This is not a simple fix. It is just one of the many steps a couple can take. We are still working on our marriage. We still have times when we fight and argue. When I notice that things have not been going horribly well in our relationship, I almost always see that we have not been doing this very simple task as well as we should be. And when we are praying together regularly as a couple, things seem to go much more smoothly . We have more peace in our relationship.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Advice from Grandma
My grandparents are amazing! What they have accomplished amazes and astounds me. Lets start with Grandma. Grandma's mom, well.....she wasn't all that great as a mom. I have no idea why she was the way she was, or what life experiences brought her to this point, but when Grandma and her two sister were tiny, she left them. She married again, had more children and left them as well, only to repeat the process yet again. Grandma's dad, seems to have at least tried. He had a serious issue with alcoholism. He lost his girls to foster care more than once. He would get sober, work like crazy to get the girls back. At some point he would back slide. He would start drinking again and eventually loose his girls again. Finally at age 13, Grandma married my Grandpa.
Grandpa was born somewhere in the middle of a bunch of kids. (12 maybe?) He was very sickly as a child. He had some cognitive heart defects. At the time, my Great Grandparents were told he would never survive long enough to walk and talk. When he did that, they were told he would never live long enough to go to school and so on. As a result he didn't spend much time in school and never learned to read or write. He dropped out of school in the sixth grade and learned how to drive semi trucks with his dad. He married my grandma at the ripe old age of 16.
As you can imagine given their ages they had a few trails. One time my grandpa called my Grandma a rather unkind name in front of several of his siblings. Now Grandma was a shy nervous girl. She doesn't like to be the center of attention. Instead of fighting with my grandpa, she picked up her tiny newborn and walked home. When Grandpa walked in the door a few hours later she smacked him on the head with her cast iron frying pan. She then calmly picked up her baby and went to bed. In this day and age it would be domestic violence. The people would have been called and Grandma would have been in serious trouble. But in her little world Grandpa never called her a bad name again!
Another time, Grandpa didn't want Grandma to go grocery shopping. He took their little farm truck to a job, leaving only his semi truck at home. Several hours later he drove past the grocery store only to she his big rig packed haphazardly in front of the store. Inside Grandma and her little ones were happily shopping for groceries.
Grandpa must have had the weight of the world on his shoulders. My grandparents had seven children before my grandpa was 30. He worked at every kind of job he could to care and provide for his family. After several years of driving it was discovered that he didn't even have a drivers license. It was arranged for my grandma to read the test for him. He then answered the questions orally and she wrote then answers for him. That was how he continued to have a CDL drivers licence until just a few years before he died.
By the time I married, Grandma and Grandpa seemed to have the perfect marriage. They never argued or fought. They always kissed each other hello and goodbye. I once asked Grandma how they managed to stay married through all of their many trials. Grandma said this "We needed each other. Both of us knew that if we walked away, that was it. We were on our own. Whatever was wrong in our marriage, we had more incentive to fix it than to leave."
I have given much thought to much Grandma's advice. Do we forget to need each other? Are our problems, concerns or success shared with everyone one but our husband or wife? Do we ever value our own individuality more than the relationship we have with our spouse. I think it is something to consider. think at very least, we can focus on making sure that our sweetheart is the one person we want to lean on, that we want to tell all of our secrets to. They should be the shoulder to cry on and the one person who always has our back. And when happiness and success come our way, I hope that our sweeties are the first people we want to run to.
Grandpa was born somewhere in the middle of a bunch of kids. (12 maybe?) He was very sickly as a child. He had some cognitive heart defects. At the time, my Great Grandparents were told he would never survive long enough to walk and talk. When he did that, they were told he would never live long enough to go to school and so on. As a result he didn't spend much time in school and never learned to read or write. He dropped out of school in the sixth grade and learned how to drive semi trucks with his dad. He married my grandma at the ripe old age of 16.
As you can imagine given their ages they had a few trails. One time my grandpa called my Grandma a rather unkind name in front of several of his siblings. Now Grandma was a shy nervous girl. She doesn't like to be the center of attention. Instead of fighting with my grandpa, she picked up her tiny newborn and walked home. When Grandpa walked in the door a few hours later she smacked him on the head with her cast iron frying pan. She then calmly picked up her baby and went to bed. In this day and age it would be domestic violence. The people would have been called and Grandma would have been in serious trouble. But in her little world Grandpa never called her a bad name again!
Another time, Grandpa didn't want Grandma to go grocery shopping. He took their little farm truck to a job, leaving only his semi truck at home. Several hours later he drove past the grocery store only to she his big rig packed haphazardly in front of the store. Inside Grandma and her little ones were happily shopping for groceries.
Grandpa must have had the weight of the world on his shoulders. My grandparents had seven children before my grandpa was 30. He worked at every kind of job he could to care and provide for his family. After several years of driving it was discovered that he didn't even have a drivers license. It was arranged for my grandma to read the test for him. He then answered the questions orally and she wrote then answers for him. That was how he continued to have a CDL drivers licence until just a few years before he died.
By the time I married, Grandma and Grandpa seemed to have the perfect marriage. They never argued or fought. They always kissed each other hello and goodbye. I once asked Grandma how they managed to stay married through all of their many trials. Grandma said this "We needed each other. Both of us knew that if we walked away, that was it. We were on our own. Whatever was wrong in our marriage, we had more incentive to fix it than to leave."
I have given much thought to much Grandma's advice. Do we forget to need each other? Are our problems, concerns or success shared with everyone one but our husband or wife? Do we ever value our own individuality more than the relationship we have with our spouse. I think it is something to consider. think at very least, we can focus on making sure that our sweetheart is the one person we want to lean on, that we want to tell all of our secrets to. They should be the shoulder to cry on and the one person who always has our back. And when happiness and success come our way, I hope that our sweeties are the first people we want to run to.
Our story
Almost every little girl dreams of finding Prince Charming. They dream of the beautiful dress and beautiful wedding, and then of course....happily ever after. Somewhere along the way you figure out that marriage is hard work and a lot of it. Many marriages fail, creating broken hearts and broken families. When I see this happening, it makes my heart hurt. I believe that families should be forever, that marriage and family should be the thing we work hardest at in life. My parents taught me from a very young age that although marriage was hard, it was also worth putting all of your effort into making it work.
I fell in love with my own Prince Charming 18 years ago. I loved his blue eyes and the way he made me laugh. He made me feel like a princess. He was humble and sweet. We got married almost 17 years ago. We have seven children. Six of our children are living and one son was stillborn. While we had our up and our downs, life as we knew it was pretty good. Then *it* happened. A major road block, one that threatened to destroy our marriage and tear apart our family. Divorce was seriously considered. I wont get into the details of what happened. Those are between my sweet hubby, myself and our Father in Heaven. But I will say, that I have never endured anything more painful. Not even the loss of my child hurt me as much as this experience did. Through all of this experience though, I remembered what my parents had taught me. The thread ran strongly through me that if there was anything worth saving, my family, my marriage was the thing to save.
I can't say that suddenly Hubby and I were on the same page and decided to work things out. Nor can I say that resolution of this issue put us right back on our happily ever after path. I guess the first step for me was a lot of hanging on. Picture that common photo of the adorable kitten hanging on to the end of a rope with his tiny claws. Only, I wasn't adorable. I spent a lot of time crying, a lot of time praying. I am not a pretty cryer. If you ask a few people from my home town, they might tell you I was mentally ill, or extremely depressed. I was niether. It just took every single ounce of energy to keep it together. I also spent much of my time on my knees and praying. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven for myself, for my hubby and for my children. This all happened about five years ago.
Our problems didn't resolve over night. We have had some great turning points, moments when we opened our hearts and minds to each other. We mostly have had some good days and some bad days. Then thhere were a few more good days then bad days. There have been some back slides, that were just as scary and miserable as the first. Five years later I can say without a doubt that it has been worth it to work out the issues in our marriage and we have expirienced so much happiness and joy because of it. Happily ever after isn't just something at the end of fairy tales. It is something that we need to work for every day.
I have hesitated to write this blog. As we have just covered, my marriage has been far from perfect. But I feel strongly we need a place where people can go to recieve love and support in thier marriage.
I fell in love with my own Prince Charming 18 years ago. I loved his blue eyes and the way he made me laugh. He made me feel like a princess. He was humble and sweet. We got married almost 17 years ago. We have seven children. Six of our children are living and one son was stillborn. While we had our up and our downs, life as we knew it was pretty good. Then *it* happened. A major road block, one that threatened to destroy our marriage and tear apart our family. Divorce was seriously considered. I wont get into the details of what happened. Those are between my sweet hubby, myself and our Father in Heaven. But I will say, that I have never endured anything more painful. Not even the loss of my child hurt me as much as this experience did. Through all of this experience though, I remembered what my parents had taught me. The thread ran strongly through me that if there was anything worth saving, my family, my marriage was the thing to save.
I can't say that suddenly Hubby and I were on the same page and decided to work things out. Nor can I say that resolution of this issue put us right back on our happily ever after path. I guess the first step for me was a lot of hanging on. Picture that common photo of the adorable kitten hanging on to the end of a rope with his tiny claws. Only, I wasn't adorable. I spent a lot of time crying, a lot of time praying. I am not a pretty cryer. If you ask a few people from my home town, they might tell you I was mentally ill, or extremely depressed. I was niether. It just took every single ounce of energy to keep it together. I also spent much of my time on my knees and praying. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven for myself, for my hubby and for my children. This all happened about five years ago.
Our problems didn't resolve over night. We have had some great turning points, moments when we opened our hearts and minds to each other. We mostly have had some good days and some bad days. Then thhere were a few more good days then bad days. There have been some back slides, that were just as scary and miserable as the first. Five years later I can say without a doubt that it has been worth it to work out the issues in our marriage and we have expirienced so much happiness and joy because of it. Happily ever after isn't just something at the end of fairy tales. It is something that we need to work for every day.
I have hesitated to write this blog. As we have just covered, my marriage has been far from perfect. But I feel strongly we need a place where people can go to recieve love and support in thier marriage.
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