We all have them. OK, I have one cousin who claims that he and his wife have never ever had an argument. I personally think everyone does. They just don't always look the same. For example, my mom tends to be LOUD when she is angry. My dad is stone cold silent. He has a certain look that everyone just knows that Dad has reached his limit. Either way my parents got over things very quickly. I think I inherited that from them. "I'm mad now, but give me 15 minutes and we'll be good again. " Even when we had serious issues, I didn't stay mad for long. I was just incredibly sad. So when a friend recently said that she and her hubby had been fighting for days I was really surprised. Arguing takes energy and at this point of my life I am very careful where I expend energy. Another dear friend always says "Is this the hill your marriage is going to die on?" meaning "Is this so vitally important that you are willing to let your marriage end?" If not, what do you hope to achieve? So here are a few things that have worked for me and my hubby.
1) Taking a moment to figure out why I am feeling argumentative. Am I tired, hungry, stressed or is this really a vital issue. On the other side, if it is Hubby feeling argumentative, what might be the causes for him.
2) Asking myself what I hope to accomplish. Am I looking for something to change or (honestly) just choosing to lash out.
3) Choosing to control my own actions, and reactions. Several years ago Hubby and I came home from a weekend conference. He was telling me how much he enjoyed the weekend. He said "We didn't argue at all." I looked at him and thought of all of the times I had bit my tongue and said "I chose not to." He kind of laughed and said "Me too!
4) Choosing the right time and the right place and the right people. An awesome piece of advice from my mom came the day of our wedding. She said "If you are ever in a dangerous situation,
Call me. I'll be there in two minutes. Otherwise, keep your arguments between you, your husband and the Lord. I always want to think you married Prince Charming."
5) Say what you mean and mean what you say. Throwing insults and threats at each other accomplish nothing. Saying "I hate you" or "I want a divorce" hurt long after the argument is over. Hubby and I have decided to simply take the "D" word out of all discussions. We know we want to make our marriage work. We need to be committed to that, even when we are angry.
6) Always say "I love you!" You always hear "Never go to bed angry" but some things simply can not be resolved in a day. Fatigue is not your friend! Call for a cease fire. Tell each other you love each other, say your prayers, and get the rest you need. Morning can often bring a fresh outlook, and a greater desire for peace.
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