"Insanity us doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Rita Mae Brown or Albert Einstein or Benjamin Franklin or some other unknown person. There seems to be many different opinions on who actually said those words, but I like them.
Change is very hard for me. I am a creature of habit. I like that which I can depend on, even if it isn't necessarily what is best for me. I know how hard change is. Last night, I was visiting with my friend. She is experiencing some struggles in her marriage. She is a little angry. She is a little bitter. She is very hurt and very sad. I talked to her about what was going on. We both sit very firmly in the "Work it out, divorce is not the answer" club, so we are both on the same page about that. However our methods are very, very different. Near the end of the conversation I said "I hope things change for you soon." She said "They wont. Tomorrow I will stop crying about it and just deal with it. " My heart broke a little for her. I admire her strength and determination to have a happy marriage even in a less than ideal situation. I'm not sure I would have the strength to do that.
For me change was necessary, even vital to the survival of my marriage. I could not physically remain in that environment and be healthy. Since divorce was not on the table, it left me with one option. Change my environment. I had to make my marriage a better place to be. I suggested last night that my friend write a letter to her husband and express some of her frustrations with him. She said no, that it would just make him mad. For me, facing my husband's short term anger in order to eventually bring us to a place of peace was worth it for me. Sometimes I had to be the bad guy and stand up for myself, and my feelings. I had to insist that changes take place. It doesn't mean that it was "my way or the highway." It meant that I had to face things that were unpleasant and and be very clear what my needs and expectations were. For example, for various reasons internet safety is very important to me. It is a make it or break it situation. Hubby wasn't thrilled when I suggested it, and sometimes is frustrated when the computer runs more slowly or when the fliter blocks something it shouldn't. However, I think that the procection it offers our family and ourmarriage is worth it. Hubby also has made requests from me. When something is bothering him, he brings it up and sometimes it upsets me, but we then have the opportunity to change things and work toward something better.
I am so glad that we are not in the same place that we were 6 years ago. We started out in what I thought was a pretty good marriage. We found ourselves in a very bad marriage, and worked our way back to an even better marriage than what we started with. I hope that in another 10 years I will be able to look back and say that our marriage is even better than it is now. I hope that we wont stagnate, making the same mistakes over and over and expect a different result.
I'm with you on this one. There are some things that just weren't tolerable to me that had to change. For example, my husbands family demanded we be at EVERY occasion, Sunday dinner,every summer weekend up to their cabin, my children's birthday parties in their home because my parties weren't as good (how would they know when they never allowed me to have one at my home.) It was so suffocating and my husband obliged his parents demands and got very angry at me when I put my foot down. He has been very angry at me for years. But, things had to change in order for me to feel like I was even part of a marriage.
ReplyDeleteI grateful my husband has been getting through all of his anger and we are still together. I have faced his anger, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have 4 sister who choose not to face their husbands anger and they silently suffer with no end to the suffering in sight. I however, see an end to my suffering.