Nat

Normally I do some kind of tribute to my Son Nathaniel on his birthday, October 28th. This year was two days post-surgery and unable to even get out of bed, much less to the computer, so it is coming a little late. Fair warning, I will be talking about my experience of pregnancy loss in detail.

It was 13 years ago. Hubby and I were excited to be expecting our third child. It was really one of those incredible times in our life when things just seemed "right." We had recently moved out of our tiny apartment and were searching for our first home. We were staying with my parents. Hubby had a great job that he loved. Our two small children were well and happy. Life seemed storybook perfect. Every morning when Hubby came home from work, we would lay on the bed together. He would hold his hand on my belly and talk to our tiny child inside. More than my previous two pregnancies, Hubby was deeply involved and had formed a strong attachment to our sweet baby. Maybe it was because you could sense his spirit so strongly. I often spoke to my baby throughout the day. It felt like he was already in the room with me.

We had decided on names for our baby, Nathaniel Jacob or Natasha Elaine. From the time we first found out we were going to have another baby, we had called him Nat. Every prenatal appointment went beautifully well and we were expecting to bring home another happy healthy baby. I had horrible morning sickness (as I did with all 7 pregnancies) but honestly I didn't mind. I loved being pregnant. I loved feeling the little flutters of life inside of me.

I was almost halfway through my pregnancy when one evening I remember feeling a horrible sense of dread. I remember saying out loud "Where are you, Nat. I can't feel you." The next morning I woke to the tiniest splotch of blood. I called my doctor who told me to meet him at the hospital. They took me right back to the ultrasound room. I remember the image of my tiny baby popping up right away. but he wasn't moving. The US tech searched and searched but she couldn't find a heartbeat. I was in shock. I remember Hubby making the call to our family waiting at home. It seemed like a bad dream. It couldn't really be happening. I told my doctor, "There has to be something your can do. Fix this!" I was sobbing. My husband was crying. The doctor was crying. At some point my MIL who worked at the hospital came in, and some one brought the Elders (From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) in to give me a blessing. The grief counselor from the hospital came in. She was asking me about the baby. Had we chosen a name. All of the sudden I was certain. My baby had been a boy. Nathaniel Jacob.

The doctor explained what was happening. The tiny splotch of blood had been my cervix starting to dilate. My body was preparing for labor. He sent me home to wait to labor to get stronger. He thought I would be more comfortable around my family than alone in a hospital room. All day we waited. We started to make funeral arrangements. It was further complicated by the timing. My birthday was Oct 30, and Halloween on the 31st. My sisters Birthday was Nov 1st. I didn't want bad memories attached to those days. I went to bed that night exhausted and grief stricken. In the early morning hours I felt contractions start. I still in bed when my water broke. Things went crazy after that. I went into the bathroom to clean up and get ready to go to the hospital. Instead the contractions got stronger and harder. I called for my husband and he grabbed my mom.

It was only a few minutes later, on the floor of my mom's bathroom that I delivered my son Nathaniel. My husband picked him up and handed him to me. He went to call the hospital and see what we needed to do. I was sitting on the edge of the tub, holding the baby when my mom noticed that I was hemorrhaging. She screamed for my husband, who rushed me to the hospital.

At the hospital (they do dumb things.) the nurse had me stand up to take my blood pressure. I felt like I was going to pass out. I kept telling myself I only had to stand up a minute longer. The next thing I knew, I was laying there with the doctor, nurse , and hubby screaming my name. The IV had already been hooked up and they were prepping me for surgery. At the last minute the retained piece of placenta finally let go and my uterus was able to contract enough to stop the bleeding. I was grateful to not have surgery that day.

Later in the evening we were able to dress our son for burial. We spent some time just staring at him. We examined each tiny finger and toe. We noticed that he definately had my chin, and Hubby's nose. He had Hubby's long legs. I memorized the feel of him in my hand. His little legs dangled across my wrist. We placed a tiny teddy bear and sweet little blanket in with him. We tried to say everything you would want to say to your child over a life time in only a few moments. The next day, Oct 29, we buried him next to his great great grandparents. Before the services we allowed a few family members to see him. Mostly my mom and Dad, my brother and his fiance (now wife) and my grandparents. We had a small service at the church in the Relief Society room. Dear friends came to sing "I am a Child of God" and "Families Can be Together Forever." A friend of ours talked. We carried his tiny coffin in our own car, on my lap to the cemetery. My paternal grandfather provided his cemetery plot. My maternal grandfather provided the coffin. Hubby dedicated the grave.

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that I said goodbye to my sweet son. At first I went every Sunday to his grave. Then one Sunday I missed it. At first I cried, but then I realized it was OK to go on. We still talk about him. In fact one day I asked my seven year old son, who had broken something. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew he was in trouble....until he finally figured it out and said "Nathaniel did it,Mom." Grin....I don't think so. We were blessed to have a few pictures. My kids can look at them whenever they want to. They talk about Nathaniel, not with grief and pain, but wonder and curiosity. I am thankful that my family has been sealed for all time and eternity. That we can be together forever. I am thankful for the time, however short that I had with my son. I am thankful that knowing him made me a more loving and compassionate person. It helped me to grow and look outside myself. I am thankful for a loving Father In Heaven, who comforted my grief, and helped me find joy in life again.